Since birth, I was raised by Christian parents. Then, they were attending a Brethren church. They subsequently left the church and became members of a Roman Catholic (RC) church! - yes I know, how unusual.
As a young child, I used to go regularly to a peranakan service with my Godma (my Dad's elder sister who kinda adopted me). But when my parents decided to become RCs, I joined them too. I was enthusiastic. I attended a special and private catechism class under a very fatherly, warm, pious dutch priest. Eventually, I became baptised and confirmed. I was about 11-12 years old. I did enjoy a very special and at that moment a very real spiritual experience. I found tremendous solace in God. I even starting going to Church on my own - if my parents weren't going. Then, I decided it was time to start learning to contribute and be more involved in church community. Since I love music, I decided I would join a church "choir". There were several in the church. The one I joined was more a singing group than a choir - many of us do not have any music training (theory or otherwise), but they - and so was I ;) - were a very talented bunch nevertheless, young, energetic, rather jazzy. I learned many things from them. I learned how to sing, play the guitar, how to smoke, drink, BGR, party, dance, perform in public, learn what grown-ups do (I was the "baby" of the group amongst the mostly young working members), and other very useful life lessons including RC religiousity or piety. I didn't really learn much more about God but they were fun time.
Towards the middle of my teenage years, I started becoming dissatisfied with my "shallow" spiritual life and state. Going to church was becoming a mundane exercise. I love collecting bibles of all shapes, sizes and versions but I didn't read them. I knew a lot about God, church and all but I didn't know God. Hence, I decided I would give myself a last go at re-discovering God. I wanted to understand and experience true spirituality, not piety. I wanted to be a Christian, not religious person. I wanted to know my creator, not a religion. If I should find out that there is no such being as a God, I would be happy to be an atheist. I didn't I needed any pyschological blanket.
After some soul searching period which included brief (and superficial) attempts at considering other religious beliefs, I decided that Christianity was the most consistent, more "timeless" and least "form-focused". Hence, I embarked on a quest to read, learn and understand the Bible - the Word of God. After about a year and a half of reading, learning, asking questions, talking to my RC priests, my non-RC christian friends, attending workshops, visiting churches, and attending Bible Study group meetings, I got to know God more intimately. This was to be another significant milestone of my Christian pilgrimage. God was no longer just a transcedent being. I was beginning to experience his immanence. I was communicating with him. He became my life foci and compass. I tried as much as I humanly can to obey his precepts. I even thought I was experiencing some inexplicable spiritual phenomenon - perhaps just short of being miraculous. I was like a giant, specially designed 3M sponge. I was soaking up almost everything - including the loads of rubbish you often get in church.
Another milestone. I decided I would do anything and everything I can to "serve" God - not necessary as a full-time Christian worker. But as things would turn out, an opening to serve in a Christian para-church organisation became available. One thing led to another, I was serving as a Christian worker. My limited knowledge in God (theological knowledge) became more apparent. My inability to discern between the truth, the myths and the lies that we being taught over in church and over the pulpit became increasingly frustrating.
One more milestone. I decided to enrol into a theological college so that I could be equipped to read, interpret and understand the Bible in its original script to its original audience and
sitz im leben. Perhaps only then I could know what, when and how to apply what the Bible teaches. In some ways, they were luxurious time - to be able to study the Bible and do theology fulltime. One thing was for sure. The more I learn, the less I seem to know. The more I learn, the more questions I have unanswered. The more I learn, the more I realise I did not know. The more I learn, the more apparent how ignorant I was. But don't get me wrong. I am much happier knowing that I know little than to ignorantly think I know much. I became more aware of how childish, ignorant, if not erroneous many of my own teachings or understanding were. But why should understanding God or his teaching be so difficult?!
Anyway, I hopped on - another milestone. I started working with churches. Began taking up more teaching assignments. Did consider very seriously the possibility of pursuing a priesthood career but decided against it. Too many things one would have to do as a Christian priest that I did not subscribe to. Didn't think I would make a competent one too. Could not fully appreciate the need to distinguish between the lay and the clerical professional other than for the sake of church order and administration. Simply a church worker, I was happy to be.
From this point on, my milestones became more and more like bolders of problems and obstacles I had to roll away - some perhaps of my own doing.
To be continued....sorry!, more to add. The entry dates are not accurate. I use them to organise my blog more than to indicate the real date of my thoughts or journal.BACK TO TOP
